Inspiring Wives: Acceptance

As woman our biggest mistake is that we want to change our husbands to the person we think he should be - as if we know best. It took me a few years but I learned over the years instead of trying to make him over let's try to make him happy, only God can make him change into the person He want's him to be. Our purpose is not and never will be to change our husbands. the only thing we can do is pray for them, love them and honor them for who they are in Christ.

Needs between men and woman are the same but the value differ for example love is essential to both and admiration but love is more important to woman and admiration is more important to men. We fail to understand these differences we provide our husbands with things we need, rather than the things they need and of course they don't react the way we want them to and then we feel rejected or unloved.

What could make a huge impact on your relationship is to:

• Accept him at face value.
• Appreciate his better side.
• Admire his manliness.
• Make him number one.
• Let him be the guide, protector and provider.
• Let him manage the money
• Don't wound his sensitive masculine pride
• Be a good listener, be sympathetic and understanding to his needs.

So what does acceptance mean? Accept your husband for the man he is today, with no changes. In accepting him you are accepting his right to be himself for better or for worse. Acceptance is when you realize that your responsibility is not in making him over but in appreciating him for the man he is. You accept the total man with all his potential goodness and all of his human faults. Stop worrying about his faults and look to his better side.

Think for a moment why you feel your husband must change? Is it for your own good? Do you think that if he changes your life would be better or happier?

These are some general reasons woman try to change their husbands:

• Personal habits: Poor eating habits, bad table manners, neglect of appearance, poor spelling and grammar, bad temper, depressed moods, untidy habits especially in leaving things around the house, failure to hang up things or put things away in their proper place, lack of courtesy, swearing, smoking, drinking.
• How they spend their time: Spends too much time watching television, napping on the sofa, away from home with the boys, in sporting events, church responsibility, outside activity, too involved in too many things, always in a hurry, fails to come home on time or fails to call if he will be late.
• Duties: Neglect home duties such as home repairs, yard work, painting, fixing, paying bills, neglects church duties, fails to follow through with work, undependable in his job and therefore unsuccessful, lazy and irresponsible about his duties.
• Social Behavior:Brags too much in public, talks too much, talks too little, careless in conversation, crude or loud in conversation. Lacks courtesy and social graces. Doesn't choose friends that wife can accept. Fails to accept wife's friends.
• Desires and dreams: Has no ambition or zest for living, doesn't have a desire to better himself, underestimates himself, lacks confidence, can't make up his mind what he wants out of life, moves from one dream to another, lets good opportunities go by, no imagination about getting ahead, has dreams that are out of reach or require too much risk.
• Manly qualities: Isn't masculine enough,indecisive, vacillating, fails to lead the family, too soft on the children, worries too much about past mistakes, too fearful of launching out on something new, flabby muscles, won't exercise.
• Money: Doesn't earn enough money,doesn't manage money well, spends money foolishly, is stingy with money, spends large amounts without consulting wife.
• Neglect of Children: Ignores the children when they come home, doesn't play with them or take them to places, doesn't help them with their homework or take part in their care and training, complains about normal noise and contention of little children.
• Religion: Won't attend church, wont't listen to religious ideas, isn't interested in religion, takes children to fishing trips or to amusement parks on Sunday instead of the church.
• Lack of intimacy
• Lack of making you feel loved and cherished.

Sometimes we think we want to change our husband for his own good. You think you care about his comfort and happiness, you want him to succeed and get the best out of life. You think it is your duty to improve him. Stop and ask yourself are you responsible for making your husband into the man he ought to be? How do you know what God has in store for him, how do you know what God is doing to change him into the person He want's him to be. Your duty as a wife is to pray for him.

Ladies even though you set out to remake your husband with the best intentions it creates problems with serious consequences. No matter how carefully worded your suggestions are he will likely respond with resistance, resentment and even anger. you then respond in ears and frustration.

A man expects his wife to be the one secure haven where he can relax, be himself and feel secure.

The realization that you are dissatisfied with him threatens his feelings of security, just as you would fee insecure if you felt he didn't love you. This can unhinge him, destroying hope and incentive to strive. We create a environment in our homes full of resentments, angry feelings, conflict, arguments, frustrations and discord. Does what you hope to accomplish in improving him compensate for the discord in your home? or the damage to your relationship? Isn't love and harmony in marriage of greater value?

The other consequence of you trying to change him is that you can damage his feelings for you. Your open suggestion that he needs to improve can lead to his rejection of you. This brings a break in communication. He may also start spending more time away from home or in other interests or pursuits to avoid the confrontation or situation at home. When a wife doesn't give her husband the freedom to be himself, when she constantly pushes him to change it can cause the destruction of a happy marriage. Love can be destroyed.

If there is things you think your husband needs to change I found the best and first thing to do is give him to God and pray for him. Sometimes we are in the way ourselves so You need to get out of the way! Accept your husband at face value, focus on his good qualities and not on his weaknesses. Back off give him his freedom to be himself to follow his own convictions, set his own objectives, pursue his own interests or not and let him do what he want's to do. You will be astonished to see what God does in his life, how God builds his character and hoe your husband becomes the man God want's him to be. Yes ladies this might take time, just as God takes time to build your character to eventually become the Woman close to God's heart, God might take some time to build his character to become the Man close to God's heart.

Sometimes there is really some faults that needs to be addressed but know there is a right way to go about it. Ask God to lead you and give you the wisdom to talk to your husband without braking him down or with condemnation.

The key to acceptance is humility - realizing our own human faults and limitations and therefore looking to ourselves to change. We need to get rid of our self self-righteous attitudes. 

To summarize the rules of acceptance:

• Get rid of self-righteous attitudes.
• Accept him as part virtue, part fault.
• Give him freedom to be himself.
• Don't try to improve him.
• Don't use other men or people as shinning examples.
• Look to his better side.
• Express acceptance in words.

Acceptance is the most fundamental principal in your marriage.

Assignment:

• List his faults - make a list of his faults that makes you angry or concern you and give it to God. Forgive him and let it go!
• List your faults that might have contributed to any negative impact it may have had on your husband and your marriage. Forgive yourself and ask your husband for forgiveness. Say something like this: I am glad you are the kind of man you are, I can see I have not understood you in the past and that I have made mistakes, but I am glad you have not allowed me to push you around. Will you forgive me for not understanding you and let me prove to you that I can be a wonderful wife.
• Make a love booklet and write down loving things your husband says or does.

PS: There are certain circumstances that you might need to seek alternative help such as when he mistreats you, he does things morally wrong, is dishonest, unjust, deceitful, cruel or any way sinful or an alcoholic, there is other woman or are non supportive financially to you and your kids. Don't overlook it and don't condemn him for it either, get the help you and your husband needs.

Love

Liesel

Resources: 

• Personal Experiences
• Reading books such as: 'n Vrou na God se hart and Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin